Getting JYJ Showcase tickets and the album is like going through a war!!! But luckily, I manage to get 2 tickets for Jieshi and I online. We got the RM253 numbered seating ones coz the day of the showcase falls on Sunday 2pm and I have to help my dad in the morning so I can't go there early for those free standing ones.

( 041010 Day 4 )

It was just not so long ago, I was talking about Korean dramas with my cousin about their similarities. I came out with a conclusion coz it happens that those korean drama that I bought actually has the same storyline which is.....the guy and the girl met and just when things starting to develop between them, the guy's ex girlfriend comes back. The dramas that I watched was Kim Sam Soon, Full House and My Girl. 3 dramas with the same storyline. Much of the complaining about those dramas, I found myself in the same situation not long after. BUT....my life isn't any korean drama and I'm not the main female lead so I don't get a happy ending.

Just like any other drama with similar storyline where the guy will discover that the one he actually love in the end is the "new" girl, I wish this happen to me too but I guess I can only wish. And I guess I can't break the curse of being the second last this time though I wish I could. Previously, I said I don't know what am I holding on to but now I know. I'm actually holding on and fighting for something I believe in. Something that I have faith in which is our love but you proved me wrong. Your actions gave me an answer that I wanted to know all along. Or I should say I knew it all along but I was just ignoring it. I'm not as important to you as I thought I am and that I mean nothing to you. Overestimated myself. She is more precious to you. She's the one that you wanted to protect the most. It's okay to hurt me as long as she's protected. Now I discovered that I'm actually fighting for nothingness. Fighting alone and fighting for nothing. "Never had a dream come true". This song suits me well don't they?

I wish that my heart is like a diamond so that they won't get hurt. Why does it hurt so much whenever I fall in love? Why am I always the one being abandon? Sorry.....I'm in a self pity mode right now. I should cage my heart and not show you my slightest feeling from now on. Don't blame me for being cold coz I'm being forced into this situation. When all you see was coldness and nothingness in my eyes, please bear in mind that it was you who drive me to this stage.

How long more do I have to wait? I'm sick and tired of waiting for your sms or call that never comes. I'm always ended with disappointment. I've waited eventhough you told me not to and now you told me to just wait for your sms which never come too. I hate waiting like this. Can't you just give me a chance to have a proper talk with you to settle everything once and for all? I'm being dragged by the nose by you and you're haunting me. Be it when I'm awake or when I'm sleeping, I see you everywhere. Couldn't have a proper sleep all these while coz it's either I dream of you or I keep waking up with things bothering me. All I want is to settle it once and for all so that it won't bother me so much. Why you choose to torture me like that? Why can't you give me that one tiny chance to have a proper talk with you? Now that I think of it, it's not that you can't meet up with me. You just don't want to, that's all.

Was thinking of blogging since last week to release everything that I've kept inside coz I can't keep things to myself anymore. I don't know if this is what leads to my chest pain. My chest pain was quite frequent these few days. Was having chest pain in the office the other day and there was no one in the office that time. I was scared coz I'm afraid if something REALLY happen to me, no one will be there to save me.

I was practically living in hell for the past 3 weeks and I was like a freaking zombie walking around. But now, the more I thought of it, I found out that there's nothing much to say actually. In fact, there's nothing I can do. Learned to just go with the flow and don't think so much. Not that I can control things also. It won't bring me anywhere by just thinking. My mum was really worried about me and she kept advising me.

There were lots of questions in my head last week but it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore as long as you're by my side. And those silly things I did....thinking back now, it's really silly. When you had your surgery, I had zero information about it and I googled info regarding the surgery and I happen to bump into a forum so that gave me enough info I could get. When you were not contacting me for that 2 weeks, I was so silly that I thought of driving to your house eventhough I don't know where you stay. Just thought of rounding around that area so that I'm at least closer to you but I knocked that off coz getting lost alone is really scary.

Guess I can let go now. Let go in the sense that I won't be so stubborn, holding on to things the way I thought it should be but I'm not going to let you go. Many people will say that I'm hurting myself but I'm not. I'm happy that I'm given a chance to love you.